FORGIVENESS

When we were young, our parents tried to teach us how to behave. They told us when to say please and thank you, when to say we were sorry, and even how to forgive someone else. I remember when our boys were little, and one would accidentally bump into the other. The one being bumped into may not have understood what happened, and thought it was on purpose, so we encouraged the “bumper” to apologize to the one bumped, all while keeping the two at greater than arms length from each other. Well, sometimes that would bring protests from the bumper saying, “But I didn't mean to do it!” We had to stress to him that was all the more reason to apologize, even if you explain it was an accident. An apology wasn't necessarily an admission that it was on purpose. Then we had to go through explaining to the one bumped that yes, it could have been an accident and to accept the apology, to forgive the other one. Those were sometimes trying times, and all the while we were trying to keep them calm so it did not escalate into something worse, such as an all-out fight. It was a challenge to see how quickly we could work them through this thought process without rushing them to the end point while missing the whole meaning behind the words, “I'm sorry” and “I forgive you.”

Even as adults sometimes we have difficulty with saying “I'm sorry.” Sometimes it is because we do not even recognize that we have done something harmful, wrong or offensive. Even when we do recognize that, it can be hard to admit it, even to ourselves. We may try to hide it in hopes the other person won't find out. Or we may be trying to look good to others, and hope they didn't notice or weren't even aware of the offense. There may be fear on our part that the one(s) wronged will not believe us or will not accept our apology. We can ask God to help us with all these issues and fears, and move ahead to apologize and then to right the wrong as best we can.

“make every effort to live in peace with all men...” (Hebrews 12:14a)

As adults we also sometimes have difficulty with forgiveness. What about if someone really did something to us intentionally? How do we begin to forgive them, especially if they are not ready or able to say “I'm sorry”? First of all, forgiveness is a decision on our part, separate from the other person's part, over which we have no control. Forgiveness is also a process, where the person offering the forgiveness may be ready to do so first, but the actual benefits of that forgiveness cannot be fully realized until the other party is ready also, to accept responsibility for their words or actions and to apologize and even make amends. But we don't need to let that get in our way of being ready to offer the forgiveness. We can ask God for the strength and the desire to forgive, and we can pray for the person we need to learn to forgive, even before we feel we will ever be ready to forgive them. That alone can begin to soften our hearts.

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15

Sometimes the people we may have difficulty forgiving is ourselves. It is often easier to forgive others for the same thing than it is to forgive ourselves for it. If that is the case, there is a way to work through that also. First, if we are truly doing something still that we should not be doing, we can ask God to remove it from our lives and give us strength to stop. Second, we can be assured that God forgives us fully when we ask him to do so, and we can also ask for forgiveness from those we may have harmed, even if they are not ready to forgive. Just asking them for forgiveness is part of the healing. Third, we can ask God to remove any guilt or shame surrounding the issue so that any anxiety about it does not drive us back. Fourth, we can reach out to others who may be having the same issues and help them do these things too. Finally, remember that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. We can decide to forgive ourselves over and over again until we feel truly forgiven. Ask God for help in all these areas – he will provide it!

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” Hebrews 8:12

Thank you Lord for giving your life as payment for my sins. Your forgiveness of all is sometimes unbelievably overwhelming. Help me dear Lord to realize where I have done wrong and to do what I can out of thankfulness for my own forgiveness to make it up to those I may have harmed. Your love and forgiveness are given freely to me. Help me to be like you, to forgive others, no matter what the offense may be. Amen.

Written by Jan A