I was challenged this week to reflect on how flattery can be deceptive, and what lessons can be learned from it. It was a fascinating challenge, so I mulled it around in my mind for quite awhile. I discovered that flattery comes in a variety of packaging. There were three that specifically came to my mind.
The way I see classic flattery is like this: It’s when others who have no intentions of accepting you for who you really are, convince you with their words and actions that you’re something (or someone else)…something or someone who you’d like to be because this “other” person who they’re convincing you that you “truly” are, is cool and accepted, liked and envied, attractive and desirable, trendy and fun, outgoing, enjoyable, the center of attention, or intimidating…even powerful.
But why would anyone do this? What’s the reason behind this “classic” flattery? All they’re really doing is exhibiting their own power over you; the power of influence…psychological influence. Of course, they do have ulterior motives. Their motives are that they want something from you. It’s either something you have or something you can do for them. You’ll find that these people who have made you into something you’re not will drop you in a second as soon as they’ve got what they wanted.
I can’t say that I’ve experienced such a harsh example. As a little child, I was lured into playing with my brother and cousin, and then bullied for their enjoyment. But it was minor…nothing that was traumatizing or even really that damaging. As a teenager, I know I was flattered by the boys because they definitely wanted something from me. I also remember being accepted by the “bad” crowd, but I think their only reason for flattery is because nobody wants to party alone…the more the merrier. Of course as a mom, I’ve been flattered by my kids for a lot of reasons. None of these seem to be that “deadly classic” version of flattery. But is the classic version really as deadly as we think? I think there’s a version of flattery that’s worse than this classic one because there’s more subtlety to it. In fact, I wouldn’t call it “flattery” so much as I would call it “flirting”.
One of the best decisions I’ve ever made was to quit work and stay home with my kids. In fact, I could write a book about all the reasons why I believe it was one of the best decisions of my life. But for this topic, I’ll focus on one. The corporate world is a dangerous place. I think that’s probably where most true flattery happens because it’s so competitive with everyone trying to outdo each other and get ahead.
Business men and women become so skilled at this, so fine tuned to this mindset that it spills over into every conversation. They become experts at being charming, and they pride themselves at their ability to get a positive response out of anyone…especially the opposite sex. Everyone is so caught up in this persona, they don’t realize that there are two things going on here…hormonal pleasure and power; two things that can be addictive. No one wants to put such harsh labels on something so enjoyable, helping the day go by, motivating workers, bringing an ambiance of cheerfulness, so they call it “harmless office flirting”.
Since its “harmless”, no one looks down upon it. Since there are no boundaries set, what you have is a group of people around each other day after day in a building full of sexual tension. And that’s not even mentioning what happens on the phone with business associates that are dealt with regularly, but at long distances so that there’s less accountability. Morality is subjective, right and wrong is cherry picked, and everyone assumes that everyone else is on the same page. So, it doesn’t even matter if you’re wearing a wedding ring or have a picture of your spouse on your desk…you’re still fair game.
I hated the environment. I understood what was happening and I resented it. It was a relief to stay home and be free from it. But I learned to set up strong boundaries, and my husband and I have had conversations about it, so that he also sets up strong boundaries. This type of flattery is definitely more dangerous and rampant than the classic, but there’s still another even more deceptive form. This one I believe women are the most susceptible to…because they don’t even know it’s happening…they don’t even know they’re the ones doing it.
The Lord brought this to my mind some years ago when I was in a women’s Bible study on the book of Proverbs. After several weeks we had reached chapter 7. Leading up to this chapter, there are bits and pieces of paragraphs warning young men of the seductress, but this entire chapter focuses on it. The women had, week after week, chosen to focus on the folly of the man and the immorality of the woman. The Lord made it clear that all we were doing was pointing fingers and not understanding our own role as the seductress. After all, who would want to believe that they themselves were a seductress? Here’s how it happens…
Women, who are generally full of sensitivity and compassion, exploding with motherly instincts, and desperately needing to be needed, can easily trigger a response in a man that was never intended to begin with. We don’t see it as “seductive”. We see it as “sweet”. We’ll give a kind smile, a warm hug, and an encouraging word. We don’t see ourselves as tempting, alluring, or manipulative…and really we’re not doing it purposely. We just don’t understand how a man can be vulnerable to such things. Women, listen carefully, you don’t have to look like a movie star to be attractive. We’re all sexual creatures and a man can be tempted in a number of ways. It’s true that it feels wonderful to see a person lifted up by our kindness, but that’s where the flattery comes in…not us flattering the man, but flattering ourselves. Talk about subtle. We are flattering ourselves by telling ourselves that we’re helping another person, but what we don’t know is that the positive response received can be a result of that man perceiving us as being sexual. Hormones can be triggered by the scent of perfume or even the sound of a feminine voice.
So what’s a woman to do? There’s so much deception here, it’s complicating just to pick it apart. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that we should all be cold and rude. I’m only pointing out that we must be aware of this deception. Be cautious. Calling yourself a “hugger” could be a disclaimer or an excuse. Finding out that he appreciated that token of wisdom or encouragement you offered him can bring affirmation to your heart, but if he continues to ask for more, don’t fall for it. Direct him to a masculine mentor. If you find that your smile brings out the best in everyone and fills the room with joy, that’s wonderful. However, as you look around and admire your work, don’t let your gaze hang too long on the men around you. They’ll interpret your facial expression as attraction, and guess what will start raging?
Flattery is not simply complimenting, according to Webster's, it is insincere or excessive praise; it is pleasing self-deception. Seek God's wisdom and make gaining insight our priority. I believe that we can be friendly and kind while being wise and humble…wise in relating to other's with the appropriate respect and consideration…humble in that we understand the weakness and vulnerability of human nature…especially in ourselves.
Pride comes before a fall
Proverbs 16:18
I take this warning to heart anytime I catch myself thinking, "I would never do such and such." A wise woman guards her heart and the words of her mouth and never lets down her guard.
Don't think more highly of yourself than you ought
Romans 12:3
Romans 12:3
When we say things that encourage others, it's important for us to remember to give God the credit.
For every good and perfect gift is from above -
coming down from the Father of heavenly lights
James 1:17
I am grateful for God's faithfulness to bring hidden things to the light when I ask Him to show me something and then wait for His answer.
1/18/2011
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