Immediately I knew something was wrong, my mother’s voice was high and quick, her words tumbling as she explained…just got the call…long time…options are none and none. I can tell she is squeezing her eyes shut trying to stop the torrent of emotions but the tears find their way as her voices cracks and her anguish refuses to be restrained.
My mother’s best friend has pancreatic cancer. She has probably had it for a long time, and there are no options available from the medical community. Her friend’s relationship with God is strong and deep - the result of years of study, prayer and determination to grow in Him. She is holding onto the scripture:
• Psalm 23:4 (KJV)
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
What’s a friend to do?
• Proverbs 17:17 (KJV)
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Pray.
Pour out your heart to God. Can’t think what to pray? Pray what you know with thanks. For example: “Dear God, I don’t understand this, I don’t know what You are doing, but I know You are Good. I trust You, Lord. Please heal my friend. Please bless this family. Please draw everyone together and protect them from the enemy. Help me to deal with my emotions in a healthy way - so that I can be a support at this time.”
Be there.
There are a thousand little quirks in friendships: ways of behaving and talking, which make our relationships with each other different and special. It is not unusual for people to pull away during a crisis because one, they fear getting in the way or being a burden, and two, they do not know what to do. Whether you can visit often, or call or write, just do it. Don’t allow your friend’s situation to become out of sight, out of mind.
Recently I had a neighbor who fought many health battles one after another for years. Her husband set up a page on a website that allowed him to keep all who wished to know informed at one time. Well, she could never remember me, but I found a way to contribute a small bit of support and friendship. In the guest book on this site, I would say something positive about her husband’s last post, make a little joke if something was funny, and then talk about people in the neighborhood-that so and so was out walking his dogs yesterday -that the squirrels are especially rambunctious this spring pestering our furry friends. Then I would sign it, your friends in the neighborhood.
Listen.
Often there are many things that need to be said at times of crisis. But it doesn’t mean that you are the person to do it. Some people want to talk about themselves. What is important is that you follow the lead of your friend.
A friend described the following: my father was still unconscious in ICU on day 2, when an acquaintance from our church arrived, said hello to us, and then just sat there, silently, for thirty minutes. She continued: it was amazing how comforting that was to me and my family.
Be gentle.
Care givers, spouses, children, and others all have their own burdens of grief to bear. Extend God’s grace to them by being kind and patient: no matter how they talk or act. One of the greatest gifts we give any friend is when we love those people that they love. This may be a perfect time to put into practice loving your enemies
(Matt 5:44).
It is possible, through God, to love someone you would never choose to love
(Philippians 4:13).
At this time, it is all about your friend.
(Philippians 4:13).
At this time, it is all about your friend.
Tell them you love them.
This is not a competition about who is the most upset or the most important. Do tell them how you feel in a way that will comfort and reassure - telling someone you can’t live without them creates a burden. Right now, it is your turn to carry:
• Galatians 6:2 (KJV)
Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Be practical.
A friend who has walked this path said that he didn’t know what to say when people offered to help. He honestly couldn’t think of anything. But that the offers were appreciated and gave him comfort. Sometimes people in need turn down offers to help because they don’t want to be a burden. There are ways to persist. Deliver a meal in disposable containers or trays with heating instructions. Give a gift card and menu for a local restaurant that delivers. A crisis usually increases financial burdens so anything you can do to help will be a blessing.
One last tidbit from a hospice website:
do not think it all depends upon you. It is a blessing to people to have the opportunity to be of assistance - so take your turn - but don’t try to do everything.
www.caringbridge.com
www.hospicenet.org
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