The will to survive and the lack thereof are two completely
contrary phenomena that baffle the mind.
At least they baffle my mind.
I’ve never found myself in a situation where either one of these two overcame
me. I would like to believe that I would
have the will to survive in a life or death situation. It comes across as noble, but under certain
circumstances it appears impossible.
There are some things that I hear or read about and I’m amazed that a
person could survive it. Where does that
will come from? I think to myself that if
it were me I would have given up.
Just as unbelievable is someone who believes that they have
nothing to live for. So they end it
all. I’ve always been told that suicide
is selfish. I believe it to be so. But I’ve never felt that desperation. How difficult is it to walk in someone else’s
shoes?
The truth is, I’ve never known of a person who ended it all
without a single one mourning their loss.
There’s always someone to live for.
That’s why it confuses me. That’s
why I believe it to be selfish. However,
many would argue that someone in that frame of mind is not thinking of hurting
others. They’re only trying to escape
their misery. Yet, what in the world would
cause someone to lose such a will? A
matter of the heart? A battle in the
mind? An empty spot in their soul?
I’ve read tons of testimonies and even spoken to some who
claim they had died and willed themselves back into their body because of
someone or many “someones” that they loved and who needed them to stay. On the other hand, there are countless
stories of abandoned babies surviving deadly elements. They wouldn’t be thinking of the ones they’re
leaving behind, yet they have a will to live.
It must be inherent. In fact, the
will to live is so inherent, it’s programmed into our bodies. We have countless physical mechanisms to
assist us in surviving.
I understand coming to the end of a long lived life, having
all your loved ones say good-bye, and then stepping over the threshold of
eternity into the arms of Jesus. What I
don’t understand is that thing that purposely ends your life too soon by your own
hand. Like I said, I think to myself
that I’ve never walked in their shoes, so how could I know. How could I know what it’s like to lose your
children? I haven’t. How could I know what it’s like to not be
loved? I am. How can I know? How can I know? How can I know?
No matter how many times I ask that question, I can’t stop
thinking of the word “selfish”. No
matter how depressed a person becomes, I just can’t buy that they can’t think
of at least one person who still loves them.
Of course, the obvious phrase that comes to mind is, “If only they knew
how much Jesus loves them.” But that
becomes even more confusing when you know without a doubt that even that much
they knew.
Here, I’ve been going about my days striving to not “mumble
and grumble” and looking for little “pleasures and treasures” to put a smile on
my face when in actuality I’m so completely blessed. I have so much to be thankful for especially when I
hear of so many who are suffering. Maybe
it’s something I read in the news, a prayer request that breaks my heart, or a
friend going through unbearable health problems.
I know there’s nothing wrong with looking for the little
things. I’m glad they’re there. I’m so giddy to find a missing black high
heel shoe. I’m so touched by my son
giving my grandma the pictures of himself that his girlfriend gave back. And for the last few days, I’ve just been
relieved that there are sunflower seeds and pickles in my kitchen because
sometimes at the end of the day, you just need a good salt lick. I know that may not make sense to some, and yet a
lot of sense to others. A good salt lick
is definitely a pleasure that I treasure.
It’s just that it feels shallow to sit down and write about such things
when I know so much about the problems others are facing.
My "twenty something" year old daughter recently lost a good
friend to suicide. It’s been very
difficult helping her through this time.
When she finally became angry with him, I told her it was OK to be
angry. After all, suicide is a selfish thing to do. I remember when a close friend of mine almost
took her life, I told her that very thing.
I told her I was angry that she was about to take her life away from
me. She had not thought about it that
way until I said it, so it just might be that those in that frame of mind need
to be told such things…if it’s possible to do so before it’s too late.
I guess what really has me baffled is that at the same time
that this whole tragedy has occurred in my daughter’s life, I’m reading a book
about someone with an amazing will to live.
As a home schooling mom, I will sometimes read with my children a piece
of literature to help them understand a moment in history. As they’ve become older, the subject of the
reading material has become difficult…not just for them, but for me. The latest has been a book called, “The
Auschwitz Escape”. It’s an historical
fiction of a young man surviving the atrocities of the most infamous death camp
during the holocaust.
Even though it’s fiction, “The Auschwitz Escape” is of course
based on actual events. There truly were
plenty who survived this evil moment in history. The details are so horrendous, you wonder how
they had the will to survive…yet amazingly many did. The author did thorough research and studied
many real life accounts written down by these survivors including what was
going through their minds. What caught
me by surprise was the main character feeling guilty that he should have been
thinking of how to help others, but instead he was only thinking about how he
himself could survive and it made him feel selfish. Selfish?
Really?
He had a will to survive, and even more baffling is that he
had no one to survive for. Everyone he
ever knew and loved had already died, but he still had a determination to
survive this nightmare. And he thought
he was being selfish? Well it is true
that giving up your own life to save another is the greatest sacrifice. But I don’t think he was being selfish. He was recognizing a true treasure, his own
life. It was obviously inherent inside
of him. He didn’t know Jesus. He wasn’t close to God. However, he was determined to hold onto
something that God had given to him…life.
I read how in the midst of his suffering, he would look up
and admire the blue sky or the colors of the blooming flowers off in the
distance. Somehow, amidst the stench of
burning flesh, he would sense the sweet smell of green grass touched by fresh
rain. After standing at attention for
hours on end, he would finally get a few hours of sleep and drift off to sleep
smiling at the hope of his own escape.
Those are definitely pleasures that he completely treasured. But it wasn’t those treasures that kept him
going, it was his will to hold onto life.
Our creator gave us life.
We live first in this life and then forever in another after. It’s so precious that He gave His own so we
would live in that “after” with Him and not apart from Him. It’s so precious that He programmed it into
us to keep hold of it even if we don’t know why we have that will to. It’s so powerful that the enemy must go to
the greatest lengths to lie to us to convince us to give it up. That evil enemy is determined to do this
because even he knows how precious it is.
It truly is the greatest treasure.
I have so many wonderful, precious things in my life that I
treasure. I think about them all the
time. In fact, I often feel guilty for
how blessed I am. Though I know God does
not desire for me to feel guilt because of my blessings. He wants me to enjoy them…the big things like
my health…my loved ones…the life He gave me.
But it’s OK to smile at the little things too…like the salty Tostitos
with the hint of lime that I’m munching on right now. (I ran out of sunflower seeds and pickles, and
you know, sometimes at the end of the day you just need a good salt lick.)
Amie Spruiell 2/4/15
