Sometimes it's necessary for parents to introduce and explain to their young children a fairly mature topic. Add to that the apprehension of exposing yourself as a person with a sinful past and you've got a dilemma. What if they don't understand? What if they use it as an excuse to live immorally? What if they condemn me? It's tempting to brush it under the rug and leave it in the past, but sometimes it's just not possible. As inquisitive, young minds grow and observe more and more of the world around them, especially in their own home and family, they'll ask questions. So, even though they appear to be too immature to process such topics, parents are at times faced with a choice: be honest and transparent, entrusting their children's hearts and mind to God, or lie, hide or downplay the truth knowing full well that the deception will eventually be revealed. We were faced with this choice in our family and we chose the first.
Out of four children, our oldest was obviously at the front of the line, and happened to be the main idea of the discussion. I honestly at the time did not consider that the conversation would have to repeat with future family members. It happened at the age of 6 1/2, when she became a big sister. She was anxious and excited. She observed everything going on around her, put things together in her own way, and noticed...very perceptively I might add...that there were some inconsistencies. So, our young child needed an explanation for why her daddy was not in the pictures and video of her own birth, why her last name was different from everyone else's in the family, and why she had a set of long-distance grandparents who would not be sending gifts for her new baby brother.
What a task we had...to explain to her that when I was pregnant with her, I was still a child myself, and by a man that she's never met. I had to explain to her what a biological father was. I was afraid that she would be jealous that her little brother came from her daddy's body but she didn't, and because of that, I wondered if she would resent this addition to our family. I was told that she would have abandonment issues. I was told a lot of things. But to my surprise, she didn't seem damaged at all by the news. She didn't become angry with this other man who lives on the other side of the world (literally). In fact, looking back at her response, as well as the responses of her (now) three younger brothers, I can see a different, positive aspect with each one.
I will say that our only daughter has always been quite confident in herself. She knows fully her worth. I guess I really should not have been surprised that her response was one of sadness and even pity for this poor man who would never have a chance to know her. Likewise, she was just thrilled for her daddy who was blessed with the privilege of taking care of her. Now, I know that this characteristic can be a breeding ground for pride and self-centeredness, and I'll admit that she has struggled in those areas, but I know that God created her to know without a doubt that she is worthy to be loved.
When time passed, we realized that we would have to reveal the truth to each one of her brothers that their daddy adopted their sister (which occurred a few months after our talk with her.) There was, naturally, a bit of anxiety on our part, but in the end, they all had a healthy and, as I said, positive response with each reflecting their unique personality.
Our oldest son, who God blessed with a calm demeanor, rarely tends to react irrationally to life. He listens, ponders, and internalizes most things, and so seemed to stay true to his character with the news of his sister. By the end of the conversation, it was clear that he chose to meditate on sin...the reality of it, the effects of it, and the lessons learned from it. I remember the words he spoke after hearing, from his perspective, a confession from his mother of her sinfulness. So, realizing that we are all vulnerable and can fall into temptation, he responded by saying, "Boy, I sure hope that doesn't happen to me."
The next child to hear the news, the middle boy, is the absolute polar opposite of his older brother. However, after conversations with two children bringing positive outcomes, we approached the third with less apprehension. Then we found that we probably should've put a little bit more prayer into it. Never-the-less, there were no real damaging affects...just a little emotional outburst which we quickly calmed down and put to rest. Yet, in retrospect, I still see that "one outburst" as exemplifying something beautiful about this child...his passion. This young man immediately saw injustice and it caused him to jump to the defense of his mother and sister with the question, "Where is he?" I guess he thought he was going to tell this biological sperm donor a thing or two.
When it was time to tell the last child, we wondered which pattern he would follow, pitying the poor soul who missed out on his sister, thinking more of his own sinfulness and how to prevent a fall, or desiring for justice to be served. Yet, my little boy responded with a sweetness that I'll treasure always. Just as our conversation with him wrapped up four challenging encounters of transparency revealing some not-so-nice realities of life, his words gave us a happy ending. I asked him if he was sad and he said, "no". I asked him if he was mad and he said, "no". I asked him if he was happy and he said, "yes". I asked him why and he said, "...because my sister got a daddy in the end."
What a beautiful sentiment. They all are, really. They all show, in some way, how God feels about us. God sees us as worthy to be loved. He desires the best in us, and that we won't give into sin's temptations. He's offended when we're treated badly, and seeks justice for our sake. And in the end, after our story's been told, He's joyful when we fall into His arms because He gets to be our daddy.
What a blessing that God spoke to us through our children with such compassion. I have absolutely no fear that my kids will hold my past over my head and use it against me. I'm so grateful that we were honest from the very beginning and received from our little babes’ words of love, and understanding...words that were far from condemning.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:1
Amie Spruiell 2/25/2011
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