Thursday Devotional...4/5/12

Another Growth Opportunity

I just finished a 12 week bible study on insecurity. It was fascinating, sometimes funny, and sometimes scary how hidden fears (and some not so hidden) show themselves in my life.

A humorous instance: my daughter, a 4th grader at the time, wrote a beautiful letter to the president a few days after 9-11. It was so touching and sweet that my mother encouraged me to make a copy for myself and send it on to the real recipient. Well, I didn’t send the letter because she had made some spelling errors and I didn’t want the president to see them! As if that wasn’t ridiculous enough, I actually asked and encouraged her to rewrite the letter and fix her mistakes – so I could send a perfect one! I know, I know, the charm of her original letter (and thousands of others received by the president at the time) was the heartfelt authenticity. But that didn’t stop my fear of being an imperfect mom from controlling my decision-making.

A disappointing example: my husband came home to tell me he had a dream. He explained all the details, what he wanted to do, where we could live, and how we could live. I kept a straight-face but I had no intention of letting him go do this thing. So I waffled, asked lots of ‘what if’ questions, and told him I would pray about it (see the leadership role reversal here?). I did pray, and asked God how I could talk my husband out of this idea. I had one strong opinion that I had decided was the most important detail to be considered. So, armed with my one ‘detail’ I was convinced I knew what was right. I dug my heels in. We didn’t move, and he didn’t follow his dream; he seemed to forget all about it, and went back to his regular life. My fear of being a failure was so much a part of me, that I couldn’t even allow, much less encourage, my husband to decide for himself what he wanted.

I wish I could tell you I never made that mistake again, but I did! He had an even more secure job opportunity come along a few years later, and, because I was afraid I would not fit in, or be accepted, I delayed his answer, and when he finally responded the position was taken.

We laugh, in a sad sort of way, about those two times. I have apologized profusely with tears and regret. Wonderful man that he is, he has forgiven me, he knew I was afraid, and let me have my way. But it is time to grow up! I appreciate his sacrificial patience with me (and his incredible kindness not to point out my real issues!). Now, with 12 weeks of biblical encouragement in my heart and mind I am ready to take action.

Psalm 27:1 (NIV)

The LORD is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 46:1 (NIV)

God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 37:24-26 (NLT)

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

for the LORD holds them by the hand.

Once I was young, and now I am old.

Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned

or their children begging for bread.

The godly always give generous loans to others,

and their children are a blessing.

 

Dear Lord, thank You for Your kind way of leading me into truth so that I (and others in my life) may be free. I choose this day to trust You. Help me to face my fears for what they are: fear of rejection. My pride has resisted this truth and I thank You for bringing it down. In Jesus name, amen.

Written by Mary M. Wilkins

Bible study:

“So Long, Insecurity”

by Beth Moore.