I was heading out the door when I stopped to give my husband a peck on the cheek and a see you later smile. I got a lot of stuff done and arrived home satisfied later that day. Then it was his turn to kiss me in parting while promising to be back as soon as he could. A few days, no weeks, later while lying in bed I realized that something was missing. Our friendship connection was looking a little thin. My heart skipped a beat as I thought of life without my most devoted friend. Even if my marriage wasn’t in perilous danger of breaking I certainly didn’t want to take any chances. I made a decision in that moment to redirect my life to include more time with him.
A great mystery in my life is how new commitments come when I am not looking. That’s not entirely true, of course, I am the one who says yes to this project, that event, or seeing a friend. Even when everything is for a good cause or a good reason, it doesn’t mean I am the one who should do it. I learned one time in a life management course that every hour of commitment really costs us two hours, not including travel. That would explain how saying yes to a single 2 hour event can morph into a 6 hour hungry time eater.
It wasn’t easy to switch gears. I still carpooled kids around according to a regular flow of school, activities, meals, laundry, church, social events, etc. But I was determined to set aside some time every week when I would be home and mentally available for my marriage. I asked God for wisdom, after all, I was pretty sure He was the One who brought the need to my attention. As I prayed I got the impression I was to be careful and intentional in assessing my priorities. Simply put: is everything I claim to be important and of utmost value have a place, a decent chunk of time, in my life?
First, I completed each of my current commitments being careful not to allow my involvement to transition into another event. Then I gave my notice for my ongoing commitment and finished out my role until the next cycle. I stopped scheduling extra-curricular stuff for us unless it was something we both wanted to do. I even told the kids not to say yes to one more thing without checking with me and the calendar first.
Reviewing the details of my schedule I saw that I frequently put certain things on the back burner. Visit a friend in need? Very important, but what will I cancel to make it happen? Typically I would say, relaxing after dinner, except that is usually time with my husband, because we can “make it up later.” I believe that can be an acceptable answer. But I was discovering it was my usual answer.
A surprise was waiting for me the next week. My husband, understanding my passion for all things Starbuck’s, asked me to go out after dinner for a little hand holding and private conversation over a hot drink. I silently thanked the Lord for inspiring my husband and filling him with so much patience as I sorted out the busyness I had wrapped around me. Wow, what a difference one little coffee date made to our relationship!
Oh God, please help me to have eyes to see and a heart that understands and a spirit of willingness to give up perfectly good things for important things. I truly desire to seek Your Kingdom and Your righteousness and trust You in all situations. Only You know what is best for me. Help me to slow down and listen for Your leading. In Jesus name, amen.
Encouraging articles on marriage can be found at: http://www.realrelationships.com/
I was inspired to share my real life struggle after reading Dr. Leslie Parrott’s story on friendship and marriage in Focus on the Family’s October/November Thriving Families magazine. http://www.family.org/
Written by
Mary Wilkins
Sometimes it is hard to choose which thing to occupy oneself with. A lot of what I do is done at home, so that helps a lot. Still, I believe that self sacrificing yourself entirely is not the way...for me at least. God has given us gifts that we need to use for His kingdom. I agree that husband and family come first in our priorities after God. However, we still need to do good works for the furthering of His kingdom. The most important part is to keep it in balance. This write is an excellent consideration of the need to have priorities.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mary.