Trust
Being married in today’s world is harder than it’s ever been…and guess what…it’s not going to get any easier. We are bombarded by a twisted worldly view that goes against everything God has to say about it. About 10 years ago, my husband and I were going through quite a bit in our marriage. Well I suppose we’ve had many seasons of ups and downs, and that was just one of them, but it led me to make a decision that I’ll never regret.
Of course when we think of marriage problems, the worst that comes to mind is infidelity. The high statistics of couples who experience extra marital affairs are staggering. The scars left on the heart are devastating, and the outlook always seems hopeless. There are countless ways a couple can experience these tragedies, and they range from one end of the spectrum to the other including everywhere in between.
In the 20 years that my heart has been committed to my husband, we have equally experienced our share of betrayal from the other person. These betrayals come in many forms from failing to meet each others’ needs to flat out lying about our behavior. And when the truth comes out, sometimes it has been hurtful and other times it has been a misunderstanding.
My memory is of a time in my marriage when my husband’s behavior led me to believe that he was having an affair. There was no evidence other than his behavior which was both suspicious and hurtful. The more I thought about it, the more hurt I became. I had three young children and I was pregnant with the fourth. The thought of losing my husband scared me to death.
I wasn’t looking for worldly insight, but every time I turned on the TV or picked up a magazine in the waiting room of some office, the subject of marital affairs was headlining. I was attacked on every side with everyone else’s story, their bitter advice, and reminders of my suspicions. I managed to keep my mouth shut around girlfriends only because I had enough wisdom to know that they wouldn’t have any for me.
I’ve always tried to keep up the habit of getting out of the house early in the morning for a good walk. When I’m really doing well, I spend my walks in worship and prayer. During this period of time, I slacked off on my time with God. I instead let my mind go to every place it shouldn’t have gone believing the worst of every scenario. I think I almost pushed myself to a complete breakdown until, in my heart, I came to a fork in the road. I could continue to move in my own strength and choose the world’s way of handling things, or I could go down God’s road. From that point on, I got back onto the path of talking to God during those walks instead of entertaining my own destructive self talk.
So He asked me, “Ok, what if it’s true? Then what?” He showed me a picture of one possibility. I didn’t like it. He showed me another. I didn’t like it either. Instead of going through the scenarios of what my husband’s doing, how he’s doing it, and who he’s doing it with, I was now going through the scenarios of how our lives could turn out based on how I chose to react. Nothing that God showed me was anything I was willing to go through except for one.
What if it was true and I forgave him? He showed me every ramification of unforgiveness and every result of forgiveness. It was the only thing bearable. So I said, “Yes”.
“If it means that you, God, will bring everything to light, if it means that forgiveness would bring about a change in him, if it means that our marriage would not be over, but it would be healed and restored then, yes, I’ll forgive him. I would, however, prefer it to not be true.”
I told God that my trust was in Him and that’s all that mattered. Trusting God meant that I was trusting that whatever might have happened or was possibly happening, He would reveal it. It meant trusting that if it were true, and He did reveal it, then I would follow God’s lead and forgive my husband bringing about the best possible scenario…love, hope, and healing. It meant trusting that if it were not true, God would bring peace to my heart about it. Think about it…it’s not necessarily about trusting the other person as much as it is about trusting God when He says to trust the other person.
My soul,
wait in silence for God alone,
for my expectation is from him.
Psalm 62:5
So I let it go, and things started changing in our marriage. Like I said, we’ve still had and probably will still have many ups and downs. Every time my fear of “what if” comes up, God responds with, “You already said that you would forgive him and I’ve already said that I would bring it to light. Has this in particular fear of yours proven to be true?” I would respond with a “no”. He would ask me if I trusted Him. I would respond with a “yes”. He would then say, “…then there’s nothing to fear. Trust your husband, be the wife to him that I want you to be, and know that I care about your marriage even more than you do.”
There have been things that He has brought to light over the years…things that He has revealed to us both, but I don’t think God was willing to do this until we were willing to forgive the worst. If we were willing to forgive that, everything else seemed a little easier to swallow. I say “we”, but I really mean myself. I don’t know what kind of conversations my husband has had with God about this. I only know my own.
Looking back, I don’t even remember the details surrounding his behavior that led me to conclude the worst. I only remember the conversations with God. As far as I know, his behavior was based on other things going on at the time. It doesn’t excuse his hurtful behavior, but it also doesn’t mean that it indicated an affair.
Something else I have learned through all of this is that when certain types of behaviors are observed, the last thing we should do is jump to conclusions and make assumptions especially if we’re going off of what the world tells us is typical. No behavior is so typical that what’s behind it can be accurately predicted. Our fears of, “What if I look like an idiot because I didn’t see the signs,” are just that…our fears. The truth is, making decisions and living our life based on our fears is the exact opposite of what God says to do, and is one of the greatest tools Satan uses against us.
Anyone who says that they discovered their spouse was having an affair and they were blindsided by it is more of a noble and righteous person than someone who says that they saw all the signs and left their spouse because of it. In the first case, the love of their spouse is evident, but in the latter, there is only a love of self.
How about this one? “I saw all the signs and chose to trust my God that He will bring it to light and then He’ll bring healing. “But what if He never brings it to light,” you ask? Then you still trust Him. He knows better than all your friends, TV shows, and magazines. He knows better than you and cares more about your marriage then even you do.
Husbands and wives both fail in their promises, but God never fails in His. He made a promise in His Word, and He’ll keep it. He promised that whatever is done in darkness, He’ll bring it to the light, and it will be in His timing. The question is not “what if”. The answer is “He will”. Not only will He bring it to light, but He’ll bring love, hope, and healing. The only thing left to do is trust in Him, trust your husband, and determine to forgive…even if you have to forgive over and over again. I mean, how can you not when Christ has forgiven you? And how many times has that happened?
Amie Spruiell
5/18/12
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