A Skeleton in My Closet
I am a very selfish person. There, I have said it. In spite of decades of effort on my part, and spiritual maturity on God’s part, when I am facing certain situations I regress to a place of immaturity.
I am anticipating a family gathering in a few months time. A part of me‘thinks’ I will just go and be the kind and encouraging person I have become for the most part. But thanks to a few realizations that occurred during my last bible study I am not so sure anymore.
Recently we worked through “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore. I expected that I would discover areas of insecurity. I was pleased to discover areas of maturity, where I had allowed God to graciously cleanse me of wrong thoughts and beliefs and heal me where I was broken.
At one point during the study I spent the week thinking about my brothers. I am the oldest of four. I have a brother, a stepbrother, and a half-brother. There are 20 years from oldest to youngest but we have each had our own ties and connections through the years. It was my tendency to be obedient or at least appear obedient and to strive to please all of my parents (ages 14 to 20 excluded). I craved their approval and recognition.
As I was thinking how I treat my brothers, and how I speak to them, I realized that I had been, and still sometime was, like Lucy from the Peanut’s cartoons. I would be sarcastic and bossy, and when one of them got upset, I would smirk and tell them to grow up. Not a pretty thing to admit to, but it’s true. As I pondered my actions in my heart I kept asking myself and God: “What am I thinking? Why did I do that, and sometimes do it still?” It came to me all at once. I didn’t feel sorry for them or treat them kindly all the time because I felt sorry for me!!! I discovered that I was thinking, “Oh get over it, at least you are a boy. You have Dad’s attention and approval. That’s more than I get.”
As I was thinking how I treat my brothers, and how I speak to them, I realized that I had been, and still sometime was, like Lucy from the Peanut’s cartoons. I would be sarcastic and bossy, and when one of them got upset, I would smirk and tell them to grow up. Not a pretty thing to admit to, but it’s true. As I pondered my actions in my heart I kept asking myself and God: “What am I thinking? Why did I do that, and sometimes do it still?” It came to me all at once. I didn’t feel sorry for them or treat them kindly all the time because I felt sorry for me!!! I discovered that I was thinking, “Oh get over it, at least you are a boy. You have Dad’s attention and approval. That’s more than I get.”
I searched for truth, and God graciously opened one of the doors in my heart to show me what I had stored there. In my very biased and self-centered memory, I believed that our Dad understood his sons better and therefore liked them better. I suspected I was the most like him in fire and spirit (strong-minded, strong-willed, and stubborn). I knew I frustrated him, a fact which reinforced my beliefs.
My hidden jealousy and self- pity created a soil just right for bitterness to grow. Keeping it in a closet, pretending it didn’t exist, was the best thing because bitterness thrives and blossoms in the dark places.
Psalm 139:23-24
New Living Translation (NLT)
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
Dear God, You already know the sorrow and regret which floods my mind. Please create in me a pure heart, forgive me, and fill up this broken place with Your healing love and grace. I wish to cause no harm, no pain, nor grief to my brothers or anyone else. The challenges of this life provide enough struggle for each one. Please help me to be a soothing balm and not a poisonous thorn from this day forward. In Jesus name, amen.
Written by Mary M. Wilkins
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