Sadness...Friday

6/13/14

As I sit here at the office trying not to cry, I realize that I have not been listening to my worship music lately.  No one is in the office today so I am able to tune the music to my desired volume.  It always truly amazes me how God plays the exact song that I need to hear at the exact moment that I need to hear it.  Today I truly needed to be reminded that He is always with me.  I know I will get through this emotional downturn with my God’s love and encouragement.

Well, I just ran into part of my emotional problem at the office mail boxes.  Now I AM crying.  This is a person I had a friendship with that ended suddenly.  No discussion, he just started parking on the other side of the building after I had an emotional breakdown whilst we were at lunch together.  I was upset about something work related and he told me that I shouldn't be so sensitive about it and take it so personally.  I felt like he was sticking up for the people that had hurt me.  I told him that I am sick of people telling me how I should feel.  So that was the end of that friendship.  It was about a year ago.  I have not seen him face to face or talked to him since them.

Initially, I was very hurt by his behavior, even though I really didn't care to see him either.  I also realized that God was protecting me from this relationship, as it was not good for me, or healthy.  However, clearly it has been hurting me inside, and I have had this fear of running into him.  I am glad that is done, and now I don’t have to worry about the awkwardness of running into him.  It actually went quite well, very brief encounter, and now it is over.  I can now move on and start the healing of myself which I thought that I had already done.(Maybe I have...in a way.)  I now know that I have been holding onto resentments, regrets, disappointments along with the hurt feelings.

Hebrews 12:14-15

New International Version (NIV)

Warning and Encouragement

 Make every effort to live in peace 
with everyone and to be holy; 

without holiness no one will see the Lord.  

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God 

and that no bitter root grows 
up to cause trouble and defile many.

This is one of the best scriptures to remember.  I am hurting myself more than any other human by holding onto the resentments and bitterness, yet, more importantly than that is that I am hurting God.

I vow today, to pray to heal myself of the hurt and bitterness that I am holding inside of me….all that
resentment is ruining the container it is in.  Not only that….I am living a roller coaster of pain and sadness as I put a “band aid” on myself to get me through the day to day struggle.  I don’t want to be faking it anymore.  I want to have the true joy of Jesus in my heart continually, not just covering up the rotting container.

Written by

Kelly Dobyns