My fiftieth year began with a surprise. This was one year ago. My family had gotten together and planned a party for me. It was a good surprise. It would be nice if all of the “surprises” that we have in life were good… but they aren’t. I think that we all love the good surprises, the ones with the balloons, the smiles, and the laughter. Perhaps the best part is being around those whom you love, and who love you also.
I have come to understand that it has been the surprises in my life that weren’t so good, however, which have “shaped” me in so many different ways. I lost my Mother at my Father’s hands when I was four years old. Three very short years later my Father lost his life in a car accident. I wasn’t prepared for those surprises. There was absolutely no way that I could have been.
Suffering such a deep degree of loss at such an early age left me with a great big hole in my heart. The two people who were the most important to me in my life were both gone. They had been my primary source of love and care. They had been the ones to whom I turned to in order to get all of my needs met, and without them I was completely lost.
In order to get my most basic needs met, after my parents died I developed certain behavior patterns. I wasn’t actually aware of these things, as they were developed on a subconscious level. I was taken care of physically, but it was the deeper emotional needs that I so desired and longed for. I needed to be loved, I needed to feel valued, and I needed to feel as if I “belonged”… to anyone or to anything. I quickly discovered that being “good” was a behavior that would get me some of what I needed. I learned that a big part of being “good” was helping others. So, somewhere on the inside of me I decided that I would always be “good” and I would always help others.
I believed that if I did this, then I would receive a lot of love, and also approval from others. I also believed that it would stop others from leaving me, the way that my parents had. This was the beginning of a belief system and a pattern of behavior that I would eventually become enslaved to. In the end, it would be this behavior pattern that would in fact cause others to leave me… the very thing that I had tried so hard to avoid.
When you become a people pleaser, you eventually become a slave. You become dishonest, because you learn that telling the truth doesn’t always make others happy. You learn to avoid conflict, because conflict almost always causes separation. You learn to do things that you don’t want to do, because to say “no” to someone runs the risk of “losing” them. You learn to give up all of your own personal power, in order to let others have theirs.
When all you in do in your life is try and please others, you eventually become displeased with yourself. Somewhere inside of yourself you begin to understand that everything is a farce. Yes, others might seemingly approve of you and behave as if they love you, but inside you never know if it’s because they truly love you… or if they love the things that you are doing for them. You begin to question the sincerity of others, because somewhere inside, you begin to question your own… or the lack of it.
This is where I found myself. What had begun as something very innocent had ended up being anything but. My trying to “please” those around me had ended up becoming my attempt to control them instead. My trying to “help” had ended up being more of a hindrance. My trying to avoid the truth had ended up with me not being trusted. It seemed to me that everything that I had wanted so badly only became more and more out of my reach.
So, you ask, what did I do? The first thing I did was to be honest with myself about the way that I had been behaving. I then gave myself the same amount of grace that I would have given to someone else who found themselves in my situation. I knew that it wasn’t my fault that my behavior had begun as it did, there were some very good reasons for it. I realized then that I can only be responsible for the things that I understand. So, the past was the past. I can only forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made there… and then move on into the future trying not to make the same ones again. That is all I can expect from anyone else… and all that I can expect from myself.
The next thing that I had to do was to begin to respect myself and those around me to a deeper degree than I had been doing. That meant that I must tell the truth in my relationships. Even when it is hard to tell, I must love those around me enough to tell it. The Lord always tells me the truth, and it always helps me… it just isn’t easy for me to hear at first.
I believe that the Lord is the One Who brought this pattern of behavior to my attention. He is also the One Who is helping me to change it. I believe that He was grieved to see how enslaved I had become. He knew that it wasn’t ever going to give me the things that I wanted in life… so He came. He came close enough to me so that I could see the truth in Him. I could see and feel His everlasting love for me, and I knew that He would continue to be there to help me. I also knew that He would never leave me. I knew that He came to give me life… and to give it to me in abundance. I knew that He had come to set the captive free… and I knew that the captive was me.
Today I am thankful for the understanding the Lord has given me regarding this pattern of behavior in my life. The first step to changing something is to become aware of it. We cannot change something if we don’t even know it is there in the first place. I know that I will never be able to love others in an honest way until I first begin to honestly love myself. I also know that the Lord has answered me in this way because my prayer has been that He would teach me to love others more effectively. I know that the more I understand about myself, the more I can understand about others.
I would like to close with this prayer...
beverley a napier
september 13, 2011
I have come to understand that it has been the surprises in my life that weren’t so good, however, which have “shaped” me in so many different ways. I lost my Mother at my Father’s hands when I was four years old. Three very short years later my Father lost his life in a car accident. I wasn’t prepared for those surprises. There was absolutely no way that I could have been.
Suffering such a deep degree of loss at such an early age left me with a great big hole in my heart. The two people who were the most important to me in my life were both gone. They had been my primary source of love and care. They had been the ones to whom I turned to in order to get all of my needs met, and without them I was completely lost.
In order to get my most basic needs met, after my parents died I developed certain behavior patterns. I wasn’t actually aware of these things, as they were developed on a subconscious level. I was taken care of physically, but it was the deeper emotional needs that I so desired and longed for. I needed to be loved, I needed to feel valued, and I needed to feel as if I “belonged”… to anyone or to anything. I quickly discovered that being “good” was a behavior that would get me some of what I needed. I learned that a big part of being “good” was helping others. So, somewhere on the inside of me I decided that I would always be “good” and I would always help others.
I believed that if I did this, then I would receive a lot of love, and also approval from others. I also believed that it would stop others from leaving me, the way that my parents had. This was the beginning of a belief system and a pattern of behavior that I would eventually become enslaved to. In the end, it would be this behavior pattern that would in fact cause others to leave me… the very thing that I had tried so hard to avoid.
When you become a people pleaser, you eventually become a slave. You become dishonest, because you learn that telling the truth doesn’t always make others happy. You learn to avoid conflict, because conflict almost always causes separation. You learn to do things that you don’t want to do, because to say “no” to someone runs the risk of “losing” them. You learn to give up all of your own personal power, in order to let others have theirs.
When all you in do in your life is try and please others, you eventually become displeased with yourself. Somewhere inside of yourself you begin to understand that everything is a farce. Yes, others might seemingly approve of you and behave as if they love you, but inside you never know if it’s because they truly love you… or if they love the things that you are doing for them. You begin to question the sincerity of others, because somewhere inside, you begin to question your own… or the lack of it.
This is where I found myself. What had begun as something very innocent had ended up being anything but. My trying to “please” those around me had ended up becoming my attempt to control them instead. My trying to “help” had ended up being more of a hindrance. My trying to avoid the truth had ended up with me not being trusted. It seemed to me that everything that I had wanted so badly only became more and more out of my reach.
So, you ask, what did I do? The first thing I did was to be honest with myself about the way that I had been behaving. I then gave myself the same amount of grace that I would have given to someone else who found themselves in my situation. I knew that it wasn’t my fault that my behavior had begun as it did, there were some very good reasons for it. I realized then that I can only be responsible for the things that I understand. So, the past was the past. I can only forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made there… and then move on into the future trying not to make the same ones again. That is all I can expect from anyone else… and all that I can expect from myself.
The next thing that I had to do was to begin to respect myself and those around me to a deeper degree than I had been doing. That meant that I must tell the truth in my relationships. Even when it is hard to tell, I must love those around me enough to tell it. The Lord always tells me the truth, and it always helps me… it just isn’t easy for me to hear at first.
I believe that the Lord is the One Who brought this pattern of behavior to my attention. He is also the One Who is helping me to change it. I believe that He was grieved to see how enslaved I had become. He knew that it wasn’t ever going to give me the things that I wanted in life… so He came. He came close enough to me so that I could see the truth in Him. I could see and feel His everlasting love for me, and I knew that He would continue to be there to help me. I also knew that He would never leave me. I knew that He came to give me life… and to give it to me in abundance. I knew that He had come to set the captive free… and I knew that the captive was me.
Today I am thankful for the understanding the Lord has given me regarding this pattern of behavior in my life. The first step to changing something is to become aware of it. We cannot change something if we don’t even know it is there in the first place. I know that I will never be able to love others in an honest way until I first begin to honestly love myself. I also know that the Lord has answered me in this way because my prayer has been that He would teach me to love others more effectively. I know that the more I understand about myself, the more I can understand about others.
Thank you Lord for your truth.
Thank you for the freedom that truth brings.
Thank you that You give us a choice to follow you.
Please continue to help us to be more like You,
so that we might live,
love and lead others…
in truth and in nothing less.
May You be honored and blessed
in all that we do.
Amen.
beverley a napier
september 13, 2011
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